Yesterday I was very depressed all day but diet wise was okay because I was too down to eat. This morning coffee. Have to take a cat to get broken.

Went to colorado springs late on Friday and drove back yesterday-Tracy's Mom needed T to see her Dad and assess whether he's getting senile since his two heart surgeies a few months ago. He seems a little confused but had a good conversation with him. His father had alzheimer's and Gail a little paranoid-think he just needs to start doing crossword or something-he's always golfed and skiied and has been bedridden lots lately. He's 74 and Gail's 70 and still teaching coms at PPCC-retired from CU in Denver. I'm exhausted; quick road trips used to be great fun for me, now they're tiring!:)

Fringe benefit-ate very sparingly all weekend and got a renewed sense of what ageing does to one-I'd like to be able to live until I die, instead of a long slow decline or post-stroke nursing home like my Mom. T wants to move to Co as soon as I finish school to help/spend time with her Mom. I hate traffic, cold, and not being able to see a far horizon line, but other than that I'm cool with it! Eating in Colo might be more controlled because the last time I lived there I was so much healthier-Lubbock has been a place of hopeless depression for so many of our years here. The memories don't support new beginnings.

Last night the weather was lovely, so we picnicked in a local park. I had fish, bread, cheese, and some evil potato chips(Apparently it's true one can't eat just one-handful).

Today I'm taking all the monsters but D on a daytrip to New Mexico. Fruit and carrot sticks are in the cooler. Will probably lunch at tacobell. Mucho cafe! In russian that would be mnogo kafe. I is yo in spanish and ya in russian, and there are various other influences of latin in russian too. All roads still lead to Rome.

Woke up feeling really awful-horrible, dreadful, really crappy, icky!  Coffee and yogurt, planning to serve a soup and salad dinner but sometimes the monsters cajole me out of that one.  I feel like my sinuses are packed with gummy worms that an evil sorcerer enemy is attempting to turn into real worms to eat my brain.

Yesterday I did all my last minute almost spring break school stuff-met with my dean adviser, went to classes, got a couple research items from library. Ate very healthy but had 4 slices pizza late at night when my will was down by the long day. Have to break that pattern-it shoots up my diabetes problems right before bed-and then I wake up feeling awful and dysfunctional.

Enjoying a quiet Saturday morning; coffee in bed, extra snuggles with T, and maybe some garage sale shopping soon. (Kensie moved into Con's old room and needs a few things; hoping to get an old dresser I can restore)

Going to make Kensie what she wants for dinner-not sure yet what. Yogurt every two hours seems to make me feel better; need to make a list of healthy snacks and then choose one every couple of hours to stabilize my wonky blood sugar.

Been barely functional the last couple of days-missed half my lectures this week. My back is unwell, and it's dragging down my mood. Bought some books about addiction and recovery and being an adult child of an alcoholic at Barnes and noble last night. Toying with starting my own group for the godless addicts, but fearful of being stoned(and not the good kind!) :) Ate too much yesterday-got bored with immobility. Trying to have a nothing but yogurt fast day today. Will report my success and feeling better tomorrow!

Just another manic monday...last night I cooked for 25 due to our turn in the rotation to feed the youth group at Kensie's church.  Last night I made veggie and meat-filled chili, and sent fritos, cheese and extra onions for people to make their own frito-pie-a texas staple.  Got back almost all the veggie chili...sigh...:) make it so well too! Squash, carrots, celery, peppers, sauteed and then mixed with pinto beans and tomatoey goodness, lots of red onion, and then simmered with chili powder and picante sauce for spiciness, topped with cheese and served with cornbread-one of my favorite meals!  Christian youth today lack palates!:)

TONight is leftover night.

Yesterday while I was observing at a high school I had an adventure. I have to sit on a counter high seat because I don't fit into the school desks. When I eventually stood up I couldn't feel my left leg and collapsed-luckily no kids were squished! After stretching with a growing audience of "well-wishers" I convinced them with difficulty that I was fine and thanks; then I walked down to the far side of the freaking large school to the elevator, which was out of order. After a period of "nonchalant" leaning on the rail, I went downstairs, rather precariously with sensation in my leg going in and out and pins and needles. By the time I walked back to the other side of the freaking large school and out to my car( with rest stops to avoid crawling), when I sat in my car my left leg was numb, my right leg was twitching uncontrollably and I couldn't drive for 45 minutes. Strangely, my motivation to increase my rate of weight loss is running high...:)

Going to have some french fries and turkey sausage for lunch. Portion control will be disciplined!:)

Yesterday during my russian test my tumbly got so rumbly that I'm pretty sure it could be heard IN Russia.  Whole class was sneaking looks with "what the fuck is that noise.." quizzical expressions!:)  Sigh...glad I don't worry about my dignity much...:)

Today I'm having bread; I know I shouldn't-I'm doing it anyway.  Feel much like a heroin addict must...:)  

Have a russian test today-turned in a film about removal punishment yesterday that I filmed with the monsters on Sunday. Had a good time-had the "students" attack me with wooden swords at one point(unfortunately Dylan cracked me on the head as I was going down and got a knot the size of an egg on my poor noggin) and then had a scene where I'm "disappointed we got a little off topic and behavior could have been better" while I'm on crutches and bandaged.

Ate okay yestreday-virtue is boring. Just coffee so far today-I find it soothing in times of stress. Off to student union to get more now.:)

Glad the weekend is over. Need the structure of classes to avoid eating like a shop vac sucks up mud! (icky imagery, huh, trying to cognitively shape my attitudes to food!) (Had a hell of a time when I decided to eat meat again because I'd quit eating meat by visualizing flesh filled with maggots...)

Typical morning-coffee, water, yogurt. Problem comes in afternoon when if I eat a carb I crave a kajillion more and then have typical addict bargaining behavior(I'll eat whatever I feel like eating today and then start out good/fresh tomorrow. Drawing the line right now, publicly, at least bloggily, that I WILL eat like a diabetic who wants to control his disease today and NOT like a depressive who wants to get dying over with as soon as possible and NOT like an addict seeking his next fix to fog his churning brain. (really unfortunate that blowing ones blood sugar to hell resembles the buzz of downing a six pack-part of the body response to comfort food, by the way...)