Thursday, November 12, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Gosh! Been a week! Have been working on behavioral issues and trying to hem myself in with "rules" which is the only thing that works for me. Much more complicated with food-my rule that I can only drink if T gives permission works great. Been eating too many nachos and veggie chili frito pies-too much many salts and fats! Tonight making stir-fry.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Had a massively bingeing day yesterday-stress of T job situation getting to me, and Annie is depressed and I don't want to overreact-hard to know when to get extra help for a teenager sometimes. Talking about getting drunk, dropping out of school, killing Dylan. Wrote me letter a few weeks ago addressed to "dear fucker." Feel free to invite her to stay with you a week during xmas break-if there is a blizzard or some other convenient rationale feel free to keep her until she turns 18:)
Today nothing so far but coffee and good intentions. Sent Kay a photo because she sent a couple to me and it seemed like she kind of wanted one. She said I looked great "although I know you think you don't" and I wound up having a good long look at my self image. I really don't think my ego is bruised much by being fat; it might be easier to lose weight if it was more. I understand that I rationalize, but I actually rationally agree with my rationalizations-I went hungry as a small kid, dysthymics get fat, people on antidepressants become carb junkies, my back fucked up my mobilty, and I'm better than my siblings that had the same fucked up childhood. In a long line of being hard about myself about things being fat isn't one of them-EXCEPT that I substitute stress eating behavior for drinking, which means I'm not as "sober" as I should be. Explained all this to Kay because it was hard for me to admit when she had previously said her Dad was a "dry drunk"(as I probably am too) with contempt after he quit drinking. Good for me to admit to her since I think it makes a stepping stone to getting back in aa meetings; maybe bad for her regard for me which would suck. I think the most telling thing about my psychology is that the only people I really open up to are people I opened up to almost 30 years ago:) (I hope Kay knows I was trying to be funny about how my ego is protected by being well-hung)(which is true but I find it ridiculous and amusing that we men are like that, including me):)
Strangely enough what I'm most uncomfortable with about my body(besides the health and life shortening things that aren't vanity based) is a scar on my wrist that looks like a hesitation mark but isn't, and the scar on my neck that maybe by a stretch could like one too.
Body image is SO much easier for guys-something I think I'll be well attuned to as a middle school teacher.
Haven't wanted to keep posting when I suspect that you're too down to deal with much, but time I ended my long break of ignoring my diabetes-my foot is having severe nerve death, so I'll be here every day if you want to check in even if you don't feel like posting!
Today nothing so far but coffee and good intentions. Sent Kay a photo because she sent a couple to me and it seemed like she kind of wanted one. She said I looked great "although I know you think you don't" and I wound up having a good long look at my self image. I really don't think my ego is bruised much by being fat; it might be easier to lose weight if it was more. I understand that I rationalize, but I actually rationally agree with my rationalizations-I went hungry as a small kid, dysthymics get fat, people on antidepressants become carb junkies, my back fucked up my mobilty, and I'm better than my siblings that had the same fucked up childhood. In a long line of being hard about myself about things being fat isn't one of them-EXCEPT that I substitute stress eating behavior for drinking, which means I'm not as "sober" as I should be. Explained all this to Kay because it was hard for me to admit when she had previously said her Dad was a "dry drunk"(as I probably am too) with contempt after he quit drinking. Good for me to admit to her since I think it makes a stepping stone to getting back in aa meetings; maybe bad for her regard for me which would suck. I think the most telling thing about my psychology is that the only people I really open up to are people I opened up to almost 30 years ago:) (I hope Kay knows I was trying to be funny about how my ego is protected by being well-hung)(which is true but I find it ridiculous and amusing that we men are like that, including me):)
Strangely enough what I'm most uncomfortable with about my body(besides the health and life shortening things that aren't vanity based) is a scar on my wrist that looks like a hesitation mark but isn't, and the scar on my neck that maybe by a stretch could like one too.
Body image is SO much easier for guys-something I think I'll be well attuned to as a middle school teacher.
Haven't wanted to keep posting when I suspect that you're too down to deal with much, but time I ended my long break of ignoring my diabetes-my foot is having severe nerve death, so I'll be here every day if you want to check in even if you don't feel like posting!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)