Trying to think about the internal ways of my labyrinthine mind as related to food and other weighty issues for some time, since I've had time to think. Dissatisfaction with myself, with my narcissist insistence that I should be better than other people making it hard to come to grips with my past, with the abnormal amount of regret that is typical for people with dysthymia and major depression, dysfunction in my marriage caused by my marrying a woman almost as crazy as my mom but much sweeter that I take care of more than I take care of myself and then resent, the effects of the cocktail of antidepressants that keep me functional but craving carbs.

The problem has been in the approach-my belief that a person should fall towards their goals like a rock through the water is in the way, exactly like my Buddhist brain gets in the way of managing depression by trying to adapt to it instead of fight it. I have too much baggage in food-- childhood hunger, food as celebration, coping, etc, sublimation of other addictions. I have too many factors, people with my genetics get fat(you know Stewart is fatter than me?), dysthymics get fat, people with untreated depression get fat, people with sleep apnea get fat, adult children of alcoholics get fat--too many facets of me contribute to food issues for me to find a keystone and change it and find a new path that isn't a struggle to better health. I'm not going to fall through the water. Actually I am unable to sink in water due to my body composition. :)

So, struggle with daily, not solve and float past in harmony, and work on all the contributing shit individually, especially stress. Quit trying to commit suicide slowly and instead commit to seeing how this plays out. (this=life). Take advantage of my astonishing problem solving ability and all the tools available. Piece of cake. Ohhhh---cake.....:)