Spent the last few days working as part of a team writing tests for my 7th graders. It has really made a difference to my eating patterns to have the added structure. Have been working on eating small meals/snacks every two to three hours. Have been eating more vegetables too! Doesn't seem too important right now.

Two bowls cornflakes

Grilled cheese on sourdough with chips

Apple

Pizza for dinner

Yesterday Dylan's birthday. Today the fourth of July. Paying attention to portion sizes but not sugar or bread.  Too freaking hot by far. Tons of water.

Have been panicked all month and eating carbs too much. I wish I would remember to take care of myself first instead of others first and me eventually. Actually worked on my college stuff and felt better when I shifted to Annie baby stuff.

Day before yesterday was Kensie's sweet sixteen so I knew I would have cake and ate badly, yesterday was travel to Albuquerque so I don't usually control myself on road trips and I ate badly. So what does it mean that I eat badly? Why so judgemental on my fine self? I know what I need to do, and I rationalize reasons for not, and that seems like a bad thing. It lowers the length and quality of my life, and scares the people who love me because it is so obviously self-destructive. It is a bad thing for me to not take care of myself, for my self and for my family and friends and students, because I am not modeling positive behavior for my students either.

I literally looked in the mirror this morning and studied my face-I couldn't see the little boy I was, and the song lyric "the smell of death surrounds you" came into my head. I am ready to get my shit together, but it is going to be a long struggle and I do better with short projects, so I have to take it a day at a time. My name is Reagan and I am a self destructive addict.

Woke up feeling better today. Had mexican food for lunch and dinner, and a nutri=grain bar for breakfast. Finished three day seminar today. mark sanford closing speaker-very excellent speaker, makes me look horrible by comparison, and im very decent! Guy who wrote the. FRED FACTOR

Can't believe it's already the 6th! Spent yesterday and today at training for department heads and principals; had fruit both breakfasts and catered box lunch both days. Didn't eat the bread on the sandwich today-less mindful virtuous eating and more that it was rye. Last night I had a mini-binge on salty chicken salad on rice crackers-I think my body craves salt because being bloaty helps my damaged spinal cord but my blood pressure is becoming an issue and I awoke dehydrated and yucky feeling. Life is leading me toward healthier eating just because I'm starting to not have any choice if I want to feel decent-ish.

Wasted some time dreading the training but hasn't been horrible-have learned some good things to know. Tonight I'm making omelets and fried potatoes with homemade biscuits for my bairns. Wonder if I could eat apple butter on rice cake? I love apple butter but why ruin it with rice cake? Maybe I'll just have a spoonful...

Woke up feeling awful. Did the typical going to be good for a month so will be bad today. Absolutely need to take a longer view of loving myself. Starting with coffee. Kenzie having ten friends over tomorrow. One of the bathrooms torn up. Yeah to be me-

Ate well the last couple of days in preparation for rededication in june. Need to get back to cooking every night instead of having the kids grab a pizza. Going to have a structured summer and less stress.

Have been stress eating but at least the stress has been real and not brain chemistry self induced. Just got named department head for science at my school. Going to ruffle some feathers but I don't much care as long as we take better care of our students. Have fasted today to clear some gunk out of my system. Will have a light dinner of veggies and rice. Less stress on horizon and bought new vid die game for fun.

Need to quit eating anything after 8pm. My will power gone by then and too likely to eat for emotional reasons. Long day. Going to crash. Bean burritos, salad, a small piece leftover birthday cake, and sugar free candy at class tonight.

Hey ate very well this weekend pasta salad and chicken no sweets. Had an omelet for dinner tonight.

Today is Connor birthday so I am allowed cake. Not much though. Had peanuts and potato chips for lunch in the teachers lounge. Last day of testing for three weeks. Salad with chicken for dinner.

State testing day. Very boring but gave me time to breathe. Things are getting better with annie and Dylan but now Connor lost his job. Had unhealthy snacks from teachers lounge but only because no one brought veggies. Chicken and salad for dinner.

Last night things were pretty chaotic so we didn't really have dinner but I had some leftover pizza this morning I had a muffin for breakfast and a burrito for lunch. Last night while I was really stressed I had two sandwiches.

Having real problems dealing with the time change. Staying up too late, getting up on time but exhausted all day. Don't eat well when tired and wonky blood sugar making it all worse. My last couple days have been lurching from minimum action to minimum action surrounded by foggy thinking. Going to mke this weekend count! Had an apple for breakfast. Kenzie making chicken for lunch.

This morning I skipped breakfast. At lunchtime I had fish and chips. Annie brought me a couple of burritos from a fast food place after work. Feeling way behind and out of control because of my college workload. Using my new iPad for my blog now. the voice recognition typing program is a little off.

Long couple of days-have eaten small meals but also some fast food. Sigh...impossible here to get healthy fast food. Last night had fried rice and sweet and sour chicken. Tonight salad with chicken, cheese and egg and lots of peppers and onion. Yummy!

Yesterday ate well or day and had comfort food at bedtime-let myself get too tired. Today have been ill-sinus infections crashed down into my lungs again. Breathing like Darth vader all day. Last night classes started up again for my masters-will be a better semester than last though. Worried about Dylan, getting less so about Annie. Haven't eaten anything today but some yogurt and some fried rice (not concurrently-icky thought!) Fevers suck. Teaching while exhausted Sith Lord sucks, and my new boss sucks the most!

Ate very healthily over the weekend-small portions, salads, fresh fruit the only sugary thing at all, no grains or starchy veggies. Trying to use video games to help some with stress-cutting throats in renaissance venice or florence in assassin's creed ii is very relaxing in its way...

Skipped breakfast, late for a meeting, and then spent an 11 hour day at work to stay for "Raider Reading Night" Very tired and stiff, but feeling pretty good. Had cheese and crackers, apple, and roast chicken for dinner, but grabbed a couple chocolate chip cookies at reader event. Some of my students did a mock trial that was great.

Ate very healthy all day and then went kablooie and self destructed just now. Had bowl of ice cream and too much potatoes. Sigh... Need to calm down.

Apple for breakfast, fastfood chicken lunch, and meat, potato, salad for dinner. Starting to wake up feeling better.

Ate badly yesterday but well today, then today I got a fever that spiked pretty high so I can't win :) Made eggs with potatoes and cheese and ate with corn chips for breakfast. Salad for lunch, and skipped dinner since I was shivering under a comforter. Everyone else had pizza since I didn't cook.

Back to life! Have been eating whatever, whenever, and waking up feeling horrible, duh. Yesterday was a week back in school and t went back to work after her medical leave for going cuckoo. Very hard to have mental health problems similar to spouse's-hard to stay dealing with own shit. I've been missing you terribly and am going to "fake it till I make it" but if I start dumping my depression on you again please tell me-I know you love me but you're not my therapist (and since I don't have one sometimes I treat people like one;great "Sopranos" episode about that by the way-beautifully written show but probably too violent for your sensibilities)

This morning I had two eggs and a corn tortilla with lots of hot salsa. Veggie frito pie for dinner. Thinking about getting kinect for my xbox for exercise help.