Have been panicked all month and eating carbs too much. I wish I would remember to take care of myself first instead of others first and me eventually. Actually worked on my college stuff and felt better when I shifted to Annie baby stuff.

Day before yesterday was Kensie's sweet sixteen so I knew I would have cake and ate badly, yesterday was travel to Albuquerque so I don't usually control myself on road trips and I ate badly. So what does it mean that I eat badly? Why so judgemental on my fine self? I know what I need to do, and I rationalize reasons for not, and that seems like a bad thing. It lowers the length and quality of my life, and scares the people who love me because it is so obviously self-destructive. It is a bad thing for me to not take care of myself, for my self and for my family and friends and students, because I am not modeling positive behavior for my students either.

I literally looked in the mirror this morning and studied my face-I couldn't see the little boy I was, and the song lyric "the smell of death surrounds you" came into my head. I am ready to get my shit together, but it is going to be a long struggle and I do better with short projects, so I have to take it a day at a time. My name is Reagan and I am a self destructive addict.

Woke up feeling better today. Had mexican food for lunch and dinner, and a nutri=grain bar for breakfast. Finished three day seminar today. mark sanford closing speaker-very excellent speaker, makes me look horrible by comparison, and im very decent! Guy who wrote the. FRED FACTOR

Can't believe it's already the 6th! Spent yesterday and today at training for department heads and principals; had fruit both breakfasts and catered box lunch both days. Didn't eat the bread on the sandwich today-less mindful virtuous eating and more that it was rye. Last night I had a mini-binge on salty chicken salad on rice crackers-I think my body craves salt because being bloaty helps my damaged spinal cord but my blood pressure is becoming an issue and I awoke dehydrated and yucky feeling. Life is leading me toward healthier eating just because I'm starting to not have any choice if I want to feel decent-ish.

Wasted some time dreading the training but hasn't been horrible-have learned some good things to know. Tonight I'm making omelets and fried potatoes with homemade biscuits for my bairns. Wonder if I could eat apple butter on rice cake? I love apple butter but why ruin it with rice cake? Maybe I'll just have a spoonful...

Woke up feeling awful. Did the typical going to be good for a month so will be bad today. Absolutely need to take a longer view of loving myself. Starting with coffee. Kenzie having ten friends over tomorrow. One of the bathrooms torn up. Yeah to be me-