Had two slices of pizza at Jax's birthday party last night.  Not enough yeast to make me feel bad,  thankfully.  Planned on grilling for party but I didn't feel well yesterday.  Woke up  feeling better today.  Very nice to have my  diabetes under more control, but yesterday my bg went too low and I had a hand tremor.  Human bodies are weird!:)

Eggs and half a bagel for  breakfast  today, have my  snacks planned out.  Do you know a snickers bar has 250 calories?  I will  miss them!

Have been eating very much less but high glucose in blood preventing weight loss.  I may have to take insulin next time I  see my doctor.  Have been eating well but sometimes I forget to  have snack and then get too  hungry later.  Last night kensie made soup, tonight is Jaxon's birthday party and I am catering hotdogs and brats at a park playground for 30-40 people.  I kinda wish Annie would be less social...

I wish my brain was working better.  I play speed chess online to check my cognitive function everyday and my brain isn't working well.  Sometimes it's blood sugar and sometimes brain chemistry; I can't concentrate and I am being emotional, so probably not blood sugar.  Going to work with my  hands more for a few days and see if it helps.  Have been following diet and walking my  dog around the lake every day.  Hard on my  bad foot but very good for the dog-been going with Kensie and she  jogs while I walk.  Never been fond of smaller breeds but glad I  had the  wisdom to get a puppy small enough  that I could walk without fear of being knocked off my feet from my back damage:)  Getting certified to teach  theater and getting ready  to teach English-I actually know no grammar rules, I just write by ear and always have.  Will be hard on me not to get the higher level kids like I did in science and history--will have to go all freedom writers on their asses.  Made soup last night, chicken with  mushroom and rice.  It has been rainy  and cooler this week-very  nice change from 105 degree scorching.   

Had a bout of emotional  eating on Friday night and woke up feeling bad on Sunday.  Very quick and pointed feedback on eating well; have stuck  to my  eating plan since then, except I got busy  and missed a snack and my  blood sugar spiked.  The two hour interval keeps my liver from dumping sugar  into my bloodstream.  Actually nice to have a rational plan  of attack.  Last night  I made salmon.  Tonight Kensie is making omelets.

Ate well yesterday.  Began making the futon platform which  will replace our casual couch.  Got stressed last night but didn't stress eat.  Tonight I am making pork ribs for Tracy.

Spent yesterday focusing on when and what and being mindful of my feelings.  Excruciating.  Ate snacks from list at  2-3 hour intervals and had dinner at Annie's house.  Shaun made chicken fajitas, which were lovely.  Kid is a better cook than I am, which is monstrous:):):)

Woke up less dehydrated than lately; my liver wasn't processing extra blood glucose all night.

Have been reading addiction literature and focusing on my mindfulness.  Trying to keep focused on working on things at a rate which  doesn't hurt my back  too much.

Birthday cake?

I ate very  well yesterday: I am making a list  of snacks and then I  just plan  what my next snack  is  from the  list.  Skipped dinner last night and then had some hotdogs with  cheese wrapped in tortillas late.  Today is Dylan's 21st birthday. I am going to not have cake. Only just now decided that-

Up early this morning looking around for  Annie's missing puppy.  Will need a nap later.  Babysitting Jax from 1-5.

Life is pain Princess...anyone who tells you different is selling something...

Yesterday I  helped Dylan move out again; he lost his job last week but had committed to be roommates with an older woman with kids, so he is now living in a crappy apartment he can't afford instead of our front bedroom.  It broke my  heart when I  saw the  place; he can't hold down a job with bipolar meds(he is like a different person on meds) but he won't take them because he hates the way  they make him "feel."  I feel  a little emotionally flattened on my meds too, but I can't  function in my work and I am too volatile without them.  The problem with  my emotional eating is that I am buffeted by  my own emotions, which  are extreme and complicated but the meds and meditation work to chillax, but I am also part of a large nuclear family with reflections of my issues.

Realizing that Annie can't stop buying fast food even when  she is struggling to make ends meet was a big revelation for me; as well as knowing I don't get sufficient medical intervention for my  depression and mood swings.  Tracy is likely  to lose her job again, she is struggling greatly, and I hate her knowing that if she loses her job I lose my  medical insurance.  Trying to cut back on what  my psychiatrist prescribes has left me volatile(subject to  sudden rages) obsessive and dysfunctional all at the  same time.  Sometimes I  sit for 20 minutes in anticipation of taking a simple action, because I don't have the  emotional  reserves to  deal  with  the  pain standing up is going to  cause my  back and lately  my broken foot. I cry a lot, and late at night  I sometimes eat mindlessly.  Without the motivation of taking care of my students' daily  needs I struggle with  a lack of structure (addicts need structure) but I also need to  have the  downtime of playing video games and working on my  house as much  as my  back allows.  My quality of life needs to improve, my balance of opposing needs must  improve, my  focus on taking care of myself first needs to not slip away, my capacity to  cope with  physical pain must increase.

I have had significant pain for  part of everyday since I  was 22 or so, long before I  was fat and old. Lately for the first time I feel old. It turns out feeling old makes me notice being fat more. 

I like "do  the  work"- saying all this is good work for me to do, but feels shitty to have you read it.  I'm going to  be okay. 

The problem(a problem) with trying to live a spiritual life instead of one of concrete accomplishment is occasionally getting lost because the goal is more ephemeral.:):):)   I need to let  this blog be a series of signposts for the food issue parts of my  mess.   I have been afraid of what I'll be addicted to  next instead of optimistic I  can maintain non-self-destructive behavior.