The last year sucked but it's almost done!

Tracy kicked me in the ass this morning and told me to shake off depression, that she couldn't handle it any more; honestly hadn't occurred to me I could do that sometimes. An hour later I had a brief impromptu jitterbug with Kensie and then sang for the first time in ages. Will try to string together some good days with what's left of the holiday-reacted to the end of the semester from hell with going numb and feeling like crying by 11am to bedtime. Today was better. Ate some of Rhiannon's cake; need to to see my doc again Monday. Back teaching Tuesday, after a laid back teacher day Monday. Not going to regret the past and move forward from here-

My life is so much better!

Ate salad for lunch, turkey hotdogs w beans for dinner, and nachos.

Ate well over the weekend-took the girls on a day trip yesterday but avoided junk food. Went to a lake about 120 miles away and swam and hiked. Probably should have stayed home and worked-went through today on 4-5 hours sleep. Had gluten today and didn't much care-otherwise ate well. Have been rotating kinds of greens in my salads. Sleepy now!

Last night I made baked ziti but didn't indulge, alas. Had a salad with some yummy spicy roasted dead bird flesh. Tonight I had a class so Dylan stepped up to the plate and made stuffed jalapeno peppers and refried beans with corn chips. Very yummy. He's doing lots better. Had an apple for lunch-very traditional for a teacher, I think. :)

Long days journey into night. Fish for lunch, chicken and salad and beans for dinner. Too much salt on fish(LJS). Tomorrow will pack lunch.

Been too long since I posted. Since Saturday I've eaten very healthily with good portion control; before that I had some emotional eating a couple days of downright ugly binging . Today I finally got to work with students and I'm back in a comfort zone; now instead of being thrown into an unknown sea of meetings and social/business functions , I plan a lesson and teach it 5 days a week for 182 6th graders(-easy-peazy.) Today I had a salad and cup of vegetable soup.

I wish I was less tired after working at the school, and I wish I had less pain at the end of the evening, but I've been eating well and in a few weeks I will have adjusted and probably have 15 lbs or so as well. Today I had a salad for lunch after a mid morning yogurt snack. The school has been very hot, so I had a couple zero calorie powerades tonight.

Had a salad and coffee during my trip to Colorado Springs yesterday but had pizza for dinner last night with raw cauliflower and ranch dressing. Trying to eat healthy is boring, so i need to frame it somehow to make it more positive. I don't react well to boredom.

Ate lunch and dinner both the last three days and feel kind of bloated and yucky; had people for dinner(as guests, not as menu item) on Sunday so felt obligated. Saturday has been my wtf day and today I just had been out of habit of fasting after lunch. Meals them selves were healthy. Tomorrow I see my advisor and get registered for the fall-hope the new degree will be fun.

A picnic at Red Rocks sounds lovely; ABBA less so, alas...the last time I was at red Rocks was an Easter Sunday and the time before that was to see the Clash. Tonight I made onion rings but the freaking gluten-free batter was terrible and insufficiently sticky. The roast chicken with rosemary and chives was delicious however. I had a bad day depression-wise but then a huge freaking spider startled me in the bath and the adrenaline rush cleared my head for a while. Biggest non-tarantula spider I've ever seen and it wound up on my chest after I reached for the shampoo. :)

Had fun at the zoo saturday; ate well over the weekend except for too many potato chips. Had a piece of grilled chicken for lunch and planning turkey sausage on the grill for dinner with salad and potato salad.

Had frito pie with veggie chili today-one of my favorite meals. Also salad and tons of sugar free pink lemonade. Tomorrow I'm going to Clovis, NM with Connor and Kensie. They have a teeny tiny zoo and some historical sites about Billy the Kid.

Had frito pie today and bunches of water to counteract the salt. Have been feeling better in the mornings lately; not so frazzled and blah feeling. Cutting back on my immense amount of coffee.

Today I had some turkey sausage, fried potatoes , and broccoli. This afternoon I had an extra cup of coffee,

Ate pretty well the last few days even though mostly driving. Ran Annie to help Tracy and came back today-didn't use the travel days as excuse to graze on carbs so way to go me(I might actually be maturing)(a little). Soaking pinto beans to make a pot for Connor as a special request for tomorrow night. Gluten free cornbread not as disgusting as most wheat-less things so dinner tomorrow will be nice:) Had a salad and some fruit salad today with some evil potato chip munching tonight.

Today I had a nice southern breakfast-except turkey sausage instead of pork. Fried eggs and corn chips on the side instead of toast. Extra sausage with cheddar cheese slice. Meant to have an apple but got distracted by dogs. This evening I'm tempted to eat something JUST to break my rules, for the sheer merry evil hell of it because I loathe restriction and my brain wants to self destruct. Sometimes I suck.

Today I had a lovely taco salad w chicken chili at a restaurant called mccallisters deli. Going back to eating once a day because that what my body is telling me and the diabetes people can suck it. Time to listen to my body/mind interface for a while.

Yesterday I had a yogurt, two apples, and a salad.

Today I ate so much I think I changed the gradient on the west side of Texas between sunup and sundown.

Trying to establish spouse-less routine. Yogurt for breakfast about 11am, then salad at 2pm and bbq chicken and salad for dinner. Had potato chips I shouldn't have bought but on sale very cheap and kids love them. Feeling more motivation to eat heart healthy since mother-in-law dying very slow and yucky. Want my body to be fully functional till death, (especially my manly bits! :))

Ate too much at dinner by about a factor of three-pure lack of restraint. Roast chicken w potatoes and carrots. Otherwise ate well today-skipped breakfast, soup for lunch. Tracy is leaving for Co Monday or Tuesday to take care of her Mom till she dies-besides missing her it will be a financial nightmare and a stressful time. Easier for me than her however, so I'm working hard to be helpful and positive instead of resentful and morose.:)

Long hot summer brings out the potato chip cravings in me-as opposed to long cold winter nights, when I crave chocolate and peanuts, or fall, when I crave deep dish pizza. Really it's just the calendars fault I don't eat healthily....sigh...

Have been eating well except for chips-helps that Annie is also gluten free eating, but have been taking off for birthdays, fathers days, etc. Lots of days in the summer for us. Having salad tonight; had dinner at the drive-in last night while we saw toy story 3. Nice evening-postponed from fathers day due to thunderstorm Sunday. Lots of stress with Dylan but depression lifting.

Had a very bad depression day yesterday but didn't eat much because Tracy didn't feel safe leaving me alone-and she's a wise, wise woman at least about me. Much better today. Frito pie for breakfast, potato salad for lunch and roast chicken and salad for dinner. Making two steps up and one back kind of progress.

Had yogurt breakfast, turkey sausage for lunch, and planning omelets with fried potatoes for dinner. Had couple handfuls potato chips just now-very freaking hot as it has been for a week. Too many windows in our house for 105 degree days.

Snap back to reality-whoops there goes gravity...


Yesterday was K birthday-had some cake but have otherwise been good. Just had two apples where one would have sufficed...Been over 100 everyday and I'm having trouble drinking enough. Had a hard time accepting no job for the fall, but getting Master's degree will be good.

Made baked ziti last night for familia; had a nice salad for me. Refried beans with a couple chips so far today; making veggie chili for dinner.

Ate pretty well the last couple days; finished substitute teaching today. Local superintendent increasing class sizes so not likely I get a local job. Sucks. Kind of bummed. So far I'm not eating to cope, so yeah me.:)

Taught 4 different subjects today; being a sub is emotionally exhausting. Turns out I'm really good at it. Had salad for lunch. Making soup and salad for dinner after Kensie concert. Soup smells good, off to the orchestral event!:)

Ate well today except I had two handful of chips when I wanted/intended one-not bad for me:) Yogurt for breakfast, chicken for lunch. Beans for dinner.

Had burrito for lunch; salad for afternoon snack; roast chicken for dinner w baked beans and broccoli. Then slipped and had ice cream entirely for stress reasons. SHIT!

Had a small family affair Saturday to celebrate my finally graduating from something. The affair involved cake. On Sunday there was some leftover cake. Have a hard time resisting cake, but had teeny tiny portions so no guilt. Will only graduate college twice (thrice if I get a doctorate). Banana for breakfast; fish for lunch. Roast fowl with salad for dinner. No cake. (sigh...)

Doctor thinks Dylan maybe bipolar-stress ate some turkey meatloaf leftovers from Friday.

I read several hundred words a minute and type 20. I need to tipe bettur. Have been eating badly. Luckily life can be re-directed-fasting tomorrow, etc, etc. I really am recommitting to better habits but feel like I should typing blah, blah blah because I've been so shitty in my habits and commitments and dealing with Dylan is reminding me that no one can believe anything an addict says-ever. Found a stray dog day before yesterday and can't find the owner; feel like I can't let her down but T is pissy about it.

My coffee intake has creeped back up to 10 cups a day. Had frito pie for dinner, salad for lunch, and a long, long day.

Had dinner at a banquet-skipped the bread but ate veggie lasagna. Handled small talk well.

Ate well yesterday except for almost all of a bag of ruffles, because they had ridges(and loads of lovely salty goodness). Today had yogurt for breakfast, no lunch, chicken and an apple after school, and making omelets and fried potatoes for dinner.

Late, late meeting and lots of online work to turn in-have kept my commitment to no restaurants no matter how many hours in my car. Tonight had beans, turkey sausage and fried potatoes.

Ate well over the weekend and check ed my weight Sunday-I've lost 35 lbs while student teaching; pretty much a drop in bucket or grain of sand but nice to know nonetheless. Helps with positive feelings about future potential-teaching will be much, much easier than student teaching so more structure but less stress. Yesterday D graduated from alternative school-haven't seen him since except for brief minutes-hanging with his best friend the bad influence. He's happier than he's been for a long while. Tonight I had cheese nachos, shredded chicken, and spicy beans. Puppy is getting more mischievous and cuter both-will be good to have some dog training time this summer.

Had to much sugar last night since we celebrated T birthday belatedly; she was up settling her Mom into new hospice on her birthday. Tonight I had salad with grilled chicken-this morning I had vegetable soup leftovers and two bean burritos for lunch. Might fast tomorrow-still feeling the cake.

Had a tiny piece of chocolate yesterday-just made me crave lots. Had a pretty good Jesus is now a zombie day; made a turkey feast. Long day at school today-unexpectedly subbed for Tara when I thought I was done with the 8th graders. Two more weeks and i give back the seventh graders and then I observe various people in the school and go to meetings. pizza tonight. Back pain a 12 0n the 1-10 scale.

Had a no good very bad day and then ate comfort food. Off tomorrow-will be a very good friday for moi. Stress is icky-I need to regain my spiritual base.

The last few days I've been living on nachos and diet coke. Tracy gone to Mother's bedside, kids out in the evening; left to my own devices I'm a mess. Tracy back now; having salad and roast chicken for dinner. Got an application for a job finished-feels most strange.

Connor's 20th birthday today so I'm not worrying about what I eat-still had a salad for lunch though. Cake tonight. Making him chicken enchiladas with sour cream sauce, rice and beans.

Got home much earlier today-errands were intense yesterday. Skipped breakfast, salad for lunch, and just had an apple. Dinner tonight will be Frito pie and salad.

This morning I had a yogurt; forgot to grab lunch box(toy story box-very cute) so had fish from ljs. Very greasy-icky. Tonight salad with turkey sausage simmered in bbq sauce and corn muffins if my back quits hurting and i get ambitious.

Yesterday I had an excellent salad for dinner but then had ice cream so didn't earn any healthy eating points for the day!:) Today I had a chicken taco at lunch and a spoon full of peanut butter after school. Omelets and fried potatoes with onion tonight-yummy.

Tonight I ate like a pig at a trough-truly, it was gluttony and bingeing-y and I'm a better person than that-stress is not being sufficiently relieved and I feel like I suck and always will. Going to bed early; need to feel less like crap tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better and so will I.

Had dinner w T at a Cracker Barrel-very folksy but too much salt. Fasted otherwise today. Get observed tomorrow by supervisor. Looking forward to the weekend.

Last night we had sandwiches and fried potatoes so I had a salad and soup. Monday we pizza. Tonight I made fish and mac and cheese for the monsters and i had a salad w chili and chips. Tracy's Mom is dying, so extra stress and drama. I wish I could help her more. I always feel half panicked lately and always behind-trying to make it to spring break without drowning. I'm having so much fun with the students and everything else is just panic-inducing. Everyday I focus on what I'm going to teach tomorrow and make sure I'm going to be able to get through my classes and every day the rest of my life falls to shit just a little more. I wish I could multi-task better; i wish Tracy's Mom could hang on a little longer. If wishes were fishes we'd all cast nets. I'm in more dire need of a blowjob than any white man in the history of the world...:)(watched a little of "Good Morning Vietnam" tonight...)

Getting out of my self-absorbed cocoon and back to my life-teaching has been great and wonderful and like being immersed in a different world but in 8 weeks it's over and I need to get back to reality, oops there goes gravity...(part of the only Eminem song I like):) My lungs are better and all the little icky infections are healed so all that's left is a much more manageable back pain. It's nine at night and I can sit at my computer without having spasms and crying little quiet uncontrollable this hurts so bad but I'm not going to freak Kensie tears when all I want to do is moan like a scalded banshee.:) I'm sorry that I haven't kept up our dialogue; I hope that after a few weeks of diligence you'll be back on every day because I know this is good for us both-I love you for being so patient with me and I'm petitioning the world bank to fund a campaign to stamp out mountain dew addiction in your honor. Had chicken with mushrooms that Connor made for dinner with salad and corn.

Had a very stressful weekend. Ate pretty well though because the only thing I can do to improve my back pain is lose weight or smoke hashish, and my lungs are a mess from asthma:) Tonight kids had pizza and i had a salad. Last night Kensie had sleepover so hotdogs, fries, and ice cream and cake. Had turkey dogs with no bread and too many fries. Yogurt for breakfasts and nachos for snacks. Hope this week is easier than last.

Yogurt for lunch in the teachers lounge. Weird vibe in that place. Mexican food for dinner. Snow day tomorrow-school canceled. Yeah!

Skipped breakfast and had a salad for lunch, but was way too starved when I got home so skipping breakfast not cool. made fish, mac and cheese and broccoli for dinner. Skipped the mac and cheese but had a spoonful of peanut butter. Didn't get my lesson plans done for next week.

Start a new unit on Monday-history of republic of texas. My back is standing up to damage so far nut having to take a long hot bath every night. Have been eating pretty well and with much healthier structure-no binging style feasting on junk. Having some money problems and causing stress but no time for stress eating so nice lifestyle change! Had yogurt for breakfast, egg and potato burrito for lunch, and salad for dinner with shredded spiced chicken and black beans. Going to make food diary part of my evening ritual because days are so filled.

Working at the school is going to be terrific for my health if I don't pop a gasket from exhaustion:) Have some changes to make to get the evenings running more smoothly-possibly cooking lots on the weekend and freezing some stuff. Had yogurt for breakfast, 3 bananas at 5pm, and a big plate of frito pie for dinner with a glass of milk. Soaking beans to put in my crockpot in the mornng.

Gosh, a week flies by when you're in a blind panic. I've been very upset about Haiti, finally had to ignore the news which I hardly ever have to do-just very sad and makes me so angry. Have been eating like a pig at a trough, but am out of the waiting place at school so will be much better. Didn't have time to eat anything till 5 yesterday. Had a bowl of veggie chili for dinner. Yogurt for breakfast.

Had yogurt for breakfast and roast chicken for dinner with salad. Really bummed about the people trapped and slowly dying in Haiti. Had a brownie.

Skipped breakfast and had a lovely salad for lunch. Planning a banana for 4pm snack and beans and cornbread for dinner. Tonight T works her first non-training shift for wellsfargo. First time our schedules won't match in years. She goes in at 2:30 and off at 11. I start full time in the classroom a week from tomorrow. Maybe quality time will be good, I hope!

Ate at an old customer's restaurant last night with Tracy. Needed to remember that life changes-cost a ridiculous amount of money to have a therapy moment. Had chicken soft tacos with apparently a ridiculous amount of salt because i woke up in the middle of the night amazingly dehydrated. Yogurt for breakfast-whatever t wants me to make for dinner since it's Saturday. Going to focus on getting cardio-vascular exercise today.

Had too much to eat at lunch today-need to work on my portion control. Attitude improving though and not feeling so to hell with everything-ish. Bean tacos and cheese enchiladas for dinner tonight.

Tired today all day. Ate ok anyway, but wanted some carrot cake. Annie gave me hell and hurt my feelings while doing so-her heart in the right place but she reduced all that I am to being fat, and I really disagree. If that's all I am I should have offed myself years ago and saved me much pain. Heavy sigh...Having a "Mad World" evening. Times is hard...

Made a veg stew last night-roots veggies with bell pepper and tomato-very tasty. Served with rice for all but me, alas. This morning had three eggs and a turkey smoked sausage. Pancakes tonite per request from Annie, with omelets and probably fried potatoes. Had tons of coffee this morning.

I am not doing very well with student teaching on the horizon. Very easy to rationalize that I should eat whatever I want now because when I'm working at the school I won't be able to eat except at mealtimes-I'm such an addict personality. My bargaining behavior rationalizations are usually more elegant than that one, because I'm clever in my idiocy. I'm scared more than usual; I've invested lots in teaching and maybe my back will lock up in the classroom, maybe I'll fall to the ground and have my leg start twitching spasmodically-in other words maybe I'm doomed. So I act out and make it worse by gaining a few extra pounds and putting more stress on my back. Self-destructive behavior is probably the thing I'm best at in the whole world. Good to express my fear, according to the experts.

Mondays are usually hopeful days for me. I'll fast the rest of today and try again tomorrow to chain lots of good dietary days together. Need to use all the tools available to me and eat right or just say to hell with it and die relatively soon. I need to decide that this post constitutes a bottom to hit, because overeating is so much slower than drinking at fucking up your life that it seems like the bottom never hits. It's not fair to Tracy and the kids to have a heart attack be the start of good behavior.