I am not doing very well with student teaching on the horizon. Very easy to rationalize that I should eat whatever I want now because when I'm working at the school I won't be able to eat except at mealtimes-I'm such an addict personality. My bargaining behavior rationalizations are usually more elegant than that one, because I'm clever in my idiocy. I'm scared more than usual; I've invested lots in teaching and maybe my back will lock up in the classroom, maybe I'll fall to the ground and have my leg start twitching spasmodically-in other words maybe I'm doomed. So I act out and make it worse by gaining a few extra pounds and putting more stress on my back. Self-destructive behavior is probably the thing I'm best at in the whole world. Good to express my fear, according to the experts.

Mondays are usually hopeful days for me. I'll fast the rest of today and try again tomorrow to chain lots of good dietary days together. Need to use all the tools available to me and eat right or just say to hell with it and die relatively soon. I need to decide that this post constitutes a bottom to hit, because overeating is so much slower than drinking at fucking up your life that it seems like the bottom never hits. It's not fair to Tracy and the kids to have a heart attack be the start of good behavior.