Has been an interesting 3 weeks. Lost 25 lbs but my diabetes is out of control. Have been too disorganized and behind to eat.

Second week of teaching must better than first and am looking forward to long weekend. Ate very healthy all week but had a freak out this evening and ate two sandwiches. Will feel yucky in the morning due to bread and feel yucky now due to feeling stupid. Dylan's mood swings getting more severe, begged me tp punch him in the face after trying to pick a fight with me; reading up on bipolar made me realize my mom was definitely within the diagnosed parameters. Stress, stress, stress, stress, stress. Listened to one of my favorite Cat Stevens songs "Trouble"

Last couple days have been yogurt for breakfast, taking light lunch to work, and sleeping after work till after 8pm. First days have been exhausting, today was better but ate too much at dinner w T for 26th anniversary. No gluten which was good for me for celebration meal! Have to find new lab safety video for my students and crash :)

Finished the big push to get my classroom done; will spend tomorrow cleaning and organizing my house and classes start Monday. Too embarrassed to cop in detail with the way I've been eating-suffice it to say it may be possible i have stress eating issues...

trying to ease into school year. Lots of meetings this week. Open house Thursday, Monday classes start. Have been eating badly at night.

Getting into a groove, trying to do better for myself AND the people who love me. Wish sometimes that Tracy was less emotionally dependent on me. If I cry it freaks her out if I let out my rage it reverts her to a little girl in front of her asshole father, and I'm not him in any way; I think me repressing so much passion for her sake contributes to my depression and my overeating. Need outlet for anxiety and rage that won't disturb my family, and need to deal with the rage with better spiritual maintenance. Ate very well this week; yogurt or egg breakfasts and snacks. Vegetables and good dinners with no evil periods. Getting better.

I wish that sometimes instead of my loved ones getting upset that I get depressed, and I really feel the therapy I got gave me the coping skills that I will never off myself despite the impulse, I would like to get a pat on the back that I fought so long and so hard and am still here, albeit fat and broken. (and doesn't count now if you do it!:))

I don't feel like my depression is lifting the way it should. Trying to get my shit together but everything is a struggle. Tracy is off this week so will use her company to help me get a better pattern. Ate very healthy today.

Have been eating badly; self-destructive my diabetic feet are dying badly. Can't seem to stop eating late at night, then i wake up ill with blood sugar sky high. I'm a little depressed in general but really making bad choices every day. Starting to be scared of myself-probably a good sign.

Had baked ziti for dinner. Lunch was salad.

Ate well today, got some stuff done without stressing too much. Nice salad for dinner.

Trying to think about the internal ways of my labyrinthine mind as related to food and other weighty issues for some time, since I've had time to think. Dissatisfaction with myself, with my narcissist insistence that I should be better than other people making it hard to come to grips with my past, with the abnormal amount of regret that is typical for people with dysthymia and major depression, dysfunction in my marriage caused by my marrying a woman almost as crazy as my mom but much sweeter that I take care of more than I take care of myself and then resent, the effects of the cocktail of antidepressants that keep me functional but craving carbs.

The problem has been in the approach-my belief that a person should fall towards their goals like a rock through the water is in the way, exactly like my Buddhist brain gets in the way of managing depression by trying to adapt to it instead of fight it. I have too much baggage in food-- childhood hunger, food as celebration, coping, etc, sublimation of other addictions. I have too many factors, people with my genetics get fat(you know Stewart is fatter than me?), dysthymics get fat, people with untreated depression get fat, people with sleep apnea get fat, adult children of alcoholics get fat--too many facets of me contribute to food issues for me to find a keystone and change it and find a new path that isn't a struggle to better health. I'm not going to fall through the water. Actually I am unable to sink in water due to my body composition. :)

So, struggle with daily, not solve and float past in harmony, and work on all the contributing shit individually, especially stress. Quit trying to commit suicide slowly and instead commit to seeing how this plays out. (this=life). Take advantage of my astonishing problem solving ability and all the tools available. Piece of cake. Ohhhh---cake.....:)

Initial bg 156, so trending okay. Had frito pie for my non-snack meal yesterday. Antibiotic I'm on is messing with my digestive system but I haven't blown chunks while exercising, so you win! :) I have to go to all day trainings the rest of the week, so won't get to be so strict on the two hour and snack regimen. Will try to stay close to schedule.

morning bg 167 but I took it late. Connor called from jail at 4 am, arrested for possession of weed on campus. Idiot. Bailed at Dylan when he was arrested so following precedent but hard to get bail on holiday. Last night had turkey meatloaf and mashed potatoes, green beans, and salad. Made a big Sunday dinner since I hadn't been cooking much and Dylan moved out last week so first meal back home.

Yesterday I had yogurt till dinner, then I had a salad with shredded chicken. My initial blood glucose this morning was 176-non-diabetics would be between 80-120. My goal is less than 140 bg at waking up. My lowest reading yesterday was 120.

I feel 300 lbs lighter from having a break from teaching-now I want to use that energy to get my shit together. Going to focus on controlling my blood sugar. Yogurt every two hours till I get my blood sugar down to below a hundred, then sensible two hour mini-meals based on the eating for life paradigm. I've been using carbs to control my anxiety-want to redirect my control issues!

I had fish for lunch, skipped breakfast. Two handfuls of potato chips after school (I have big hands, unfortunately) :) Having some trouble with my feet so dinner will be whatever Kensie wants to make. Been craving salt all day.

I don't know why I seem to be unable to do things that are good for me more than one day in a row. I don't want to die in the front of my head but I'm so self-destructive it's astonishing to me sometimes and I have an unusual amount of self awareness for a guy (or human being for that matter). I have been eating too much, of the wrong foods, and even at the wrong times of day. I am letting the approaching end of school be the beginning of positive action, and that's bullshit. Today I had lunch at IHOP with daughters and bought Annie ice cream because she lost her job and had some of her cone when she didn't finish it all. One more week till summer comes.

Finished my second semester as a graduate student this last week. Ate badly and didn't let it concern me, which is not good. If I let myself eat badly whenever I'm overwhelmed I'll just make sure I'm overwhelmed all the time. Fasted today, feel kind of yucky but my head is feeling better. Tired of sinus infections-maybe if I let them scrape out the inside of my skull I'll feel better. While they have my nose peeled up they could make it more narrow :) Tracy had to have that done 6-8 yrs ago and the asshole doctor left her nose a little off center-very disconcerting but she wouldn't sue and hasn't cared enough to get it fixed. Only bothers me...:)

Had cheese and bean nachos for dinner and fish for lunch. I've been craving ice cream, but settling for sugar free popsicles. My throat is sore. 16 days of teaching and first year nightmare over!

Ate well over the weekend. Going to be a good week.

Ate well today. Kensie made eggs and fried potatoes for dinner so I could write an essay.

pretty much ate to relieve stress the whole last week and all it did was cause more stress. Gee, addiction in a nutshell...Tomorrow is another day. By Thursday night I will be past some things taking me out of my comfort zone.

I ate well over the weekend; high protein snacks, salads and fresh fruit. Made a seven layer dip after school today and ate too much of it by far.

Ate lunch with the social studies dept today since we were doing a "mini-camp" before the testing dates; fun to teach social studies for a day. Had fish and chips, cole slaw, then a large salad for dinner.

Had yogurt, french fries, salad, and nachos with beans. Said to heck with no cheese-was still getting lung infections, and life wasn't worth living-ish...

I had oreos today; I'd do it again. As long as I can have a small glass of milk then none of the hostages have to die...

I get to keep my job for next fall. the budget situation here sucks so badly since the tax cuts that got Shrub elected our governor (but at least he got to do for the whole country what he did for Texas) are still fucking up our education system that the issue has been in doubt the last few months. Guess I'm less stressed. Ate fish for lunch, chicken for dinner, salad both meals. Skipped breakfast. Craving salty foods as i do when my back is extra painful.

So tired of being sick; last two weeks have been teach, cough out lungs, sleep, repeat, except for some baby shopping I did online that turns out to have been wasted time:) (actually noted the date and said, yeah right, like she has sex...) :) Have actually been eating pretty good but infection has made my diabetes wonky so no chance to lose weight and very dehydrated all the time.

I ate better this weekend than last. Damned by faint praise.

Had a yogurt for breakfast, skipped lunch, had fish for dinner, Feeling better physically than I have for a while.

Ate well today but suffered karmic-ally for a tiny evil straying from a path of righteousness-Tracy brought home a big slice of bundt cake from a prayer group potluck and I tasted it. Filled with amaretto liqueur-I'll be craving rum and whiskey for days! Being an alcoholic sucks-had two bananas to get the immediate taste from my mouth. Kensie made me a lovely omelet for dinner while I wrote a paper. Skipped lunch, yogurt for breakfast.

I eat much better when I'm working-have to add lots more structure to my summer then my spring break-ate very badly. Last night I made sweet and sour chicken w broccoli. Have to redefine my goals-health is holistic.

Had a terrible day; ate terribly badly; learned too late about what a wonderful new holiday has been created (not willing to eat steak anyway:)) Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Had too many carbs today.

Gosh I am lucky in the women who love me. Today I skipped breakfast and had fish and chips for lunch. I had spoonful of peanut butter and an apple after school and will soon have a salad for dinner. In too much pain from my left foot to walk-nobody will bring me junk food, so all clouds, etc :)

Have been eating badly and too chickenshit to cop to it to you. Today was a little better, but had way too many french fries. Need to manage my diabetes or blow my brains out-try the management thing tomorrow...

Had salmon and salad for dinner last night. Fasted till then but from being busy-not from choice. Had a test to proctor all day-sucked! :)

Had steel cut oats because they sounded good. Always sound better than they taste but can't eat processed rolled oats at all, so relatively okay. Half a cup of yogurt mixed in is delicious! Evil, evil fast food fish for lunch, leftover night for dinner. Ate too much junk over the weekend; work is stressing me out.

Went with everyone to a restaurant for dinner-went much better now that Dylan is on bipolar meds. Foodwise having a hard time finding things I can eat in restaurants-probably a good thing! Had a decent salad and some too salty bird flesh with soggy broccoli. (Just went, "chopping broccoli, she's chopping, she's chopping..." in my head! You touch my life in lots of good ways!

Ate very healthy today. Yogurt for breakfast, salad for lunch, carrot sticks after work (with ranch, mildly evil) and scrambled eggs with picante sauce for dinner. (I dropped some eggs and hated to waste them-oops) Very tired today, but I think the almost no dairy is starting to help with the gunk in my lungs problem.

Last two days have been emotional self-destructive eating voyages of narcissistic yuckiness. Let myself get frustrated with T being dysfunctional so often. Will be better tomorrow.

Ate well today; grilled chicken salad for lunch, salad with pinto beans for dinner, yogurt for breakfast but also had a poptart (very evil of me) at school. I miss milk sometimes! :) Hope my lungs appreciate the effort I'm making to reduce the gunk in them!

Ate well yesterday-had a lovely salad with T for Valentines day, but had some chocolate too near bedtime that a student gave me for v-day gift. This morning I skipped breakfast and it was a mistake -have been ragingly hungry all day and didn't resist some cookies in the teacher's lounge with my mid-morning coffee. Sigh... cheese hasn't been as hard to give up as I feared and actually helps with bread cravings. Never have put cheese on rice so much less association of flavors! Had canned soup for dinner-T and the girls ate out tonight and I had to write a paper for my online grad course. Looking forward to morning coffee and yogurt already---:)

Ate pounds of salt this weekend-something my body wants when my back is bad. Fasting today till sundown, lots of water.

Ate well over the new year weekend-just a big flurry of stuff to do before going back to work. Had a work day monday and cleaned up my classroom shelves, and spent yesterday getting the students and me back in the groove. Last night I was stressed and ate too much at nearly bedtime, so I woke up feeling yucky. Need to find a stress substitute behavior-thinking heroin or weed...:)
Ate four small meals today. So far so good.