Day before yesterday was Kensie's sweet sixteen so I knew I would have cake and ate badly, yesterday was travel to Albuquerque so I don't usually control myself on road trips and I ate badly. So what does it mean that I eat badly? Why so judgemental on my fine self? I know what I need to do, and I rationalize reasons for not, and that seems like a bad thing. It lowers the length and quality of my life, and scares the people who love me because it is so obviously self-destructive. It is a bad thing for me to not take care of myself, for my self and for my family and friends and students, because I am not modeling positive behavior for my students either.

I literally looked in the mirror this morning and studied my face-I couldn't see the little boy I was, and the song lyric "the smell of death surrounds you" came into my head. I am ready to get my shit together, but it is going to be a long struggle and I do better with short projects, so I have to take it a day at a time. My name is Reagan and I am a self destructive addict.