Yesterday I helped Dylan move out again; he lost his job last week but had committed to be roommates with an older woman with kids, so he is now living in a crappy apartment he can't afford instead of our front bedroom. It broke my heart when I saw the place; he can't hold down a job with bipolar meds(he is like a different person on meds) but he won't take them because he hates the way they make him "feel." I feel a little emotionally flattened on my meds too, but I can't function in my work and I am too volatile without them. The problem with my emotional eating is that I am buffeted by my own emotions, which are extreme and complicated but the meds and meditation work to chillax, but I am also part of a large nuclear family with reflections of my issues.
Realizing that Annie can't stop buying fast food even when she is struggling to make ends meet was a big revelation for me; as well as knowing I don't get sufficient medical intervention for my depression and mood swings. Tracy is likely to lose her job again, she is struggling greatly, and I hate her knowing that if she loses her job I lose my medical insurance. Trying to cut back on what my psychiatrist prescribes has left me volatile(subject to sudden rages) obsessive and dysfunctional all at the same time. Sometimes I sit for 20 minutes in anticipation of taking a simple action, because I don't have the emotional reserves to deal with the pain standing up is going to cause my back and lately my broken foot. I cry a lot, and late at night I sometimes eat mindlessly. Without the motivation of taking care of my students' daily needs I struggle with a lack of structure (addicts need structure) but I also need to have the downtime of playing video games and working on my house as much as my back allows. My quality of life needs to improve, my balance of opposing needs must improve, my focus on taking care of myself first needs to not slip away, my capacity to cope with physical pain must increase.
I have had significant pain for part of everyday since I was 22 or so, long before I was fat and old. Lately for the first time I feel old. It turns out feeling old makes me notice being fat more.
I like "do the work"- saying all this is good work for me to do, but feels shitty to have you read it. I'm going to be okay.
The problem(a problem) with trying to live a spiritual life instead of one of concrete accomplishment is occasionally getting lost because the goal is more ephemeral.:):):) I need to let this blog be a series of signposts for the food issue parts of my mess. I have been afraid of what I'll be addicted to next instead of optimistic I can maintain non-self-destructive behavior.
1 comment:
You are a brave and wonderful man.
Smaller bites is a good way to do it. You are going to laugh but I always schedule play time in my schedule for my days off. Yes I write an actual schedule. hour by hour with what needs to get done. Shower, meals, play time and work.
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