Had ham and eggs with a biscuit for breakfast, a bean burrito for lunch, and a dinner too unhealthy to record for posterity(at an all you can eat place with Tracy).  Giving myself a free pass till Thursday, except still no dairy.  Lost my  wallet tonight, bummed.

Much less stressed today-so much easier to eat healthy when stress is managed. Good day. Had high protein snacks every couple of hours and a handful of goldfish late in the evening.

I have been a little reckless, and have been eating sandwiches the last few days(leftover ham and turkey) but have not binged at  all and am still doing well without dairy.  Annie's birthday today-she mostly spent it terribly upset.  I don't like her baby daddy  as much  as I did a while ago.  Bought some new dumbbells today.  Mine were hurting my  hands.

I ate so healthy today, I had a healthy snack every couple of hours and roast chicken for dinner with broccoli and fried potatoes.  It has been a good xmas so far, although my  father-in-law came by  for a visit today and that is very stressful.  I am enjoying my  grandson!

My body has been craving salt. Tonight I had chicken and dumpling soup and way too many saltine crackers. Babysat Jax while Tracy and Annie went to a movie. Had a salad for lunch and two apples for breakfast.  Still doing well staying away from dairy. There has been ice cream and pizza and all sorts of temptations and I have been resolute.  I do good with absolutes, considering a bigger rule change.

Had an amazingly stressful day(actually stressful, not brain-induced stress) but ate very well and healthy.  Had an egg burrito for breakfast, two apples at work, and some cheese-free pizza for dinner.  Also a can of soup and crackers.  Two half days and then xmas break.

Today I skipped breakfast, had an egg and sausage burrito for lunch, and french fries, pork steak and salad for dinner.  Still feeling stressed all the time, but I lost several pounds since I  gave up dairy.

Had a horrible day of eating emotionally and constantly, but maintained no dairy.  Usually depriving myself of something makes my head buzz with desire to be self-destructive but dairy was so obviously bad for my body I am doing okay. Hope to build on existing success and take away some bad stuff and add some good stuff.

Tonight I had chicken, green beans with almonds and dirty rice.  For lunch I had some turkey salami and a couple apples.  I miss nachos.:(

Yesterday ate at a restaurant all three meals. Have to plan my life better. Today I was in checkout and in pain and looked longingly at snickers but maintained my no dairy rule.  Really think avoiding dairy key to avoiding pneumonia. Never want that again.  Annie made chicken fajitas and black beans. Very yummy.

I have waited over a week to make sure I can do this-I hereby announce I  have given up dairy!  Single biggest change to my diet since I  quit  drinking!  I am doing much better with my allergies and have lass gunk in my lungs!  Yeah!  Today I had chicken, tomato soup with pasta and veggies, and two apples. I made a positive change to my diet, yeah me!  I'm as giddy as a schoolboy!:)

Really amazingly immature how much I rebel against doing things which are so good for me.  Have been eating okay, but not as strictly to plan  as I need to get better.  Plan for today:

yogurt at 7:30

apple about 9:30

bean burrito for lunch

peanuts at 3

small salad at 5

dinner will be ???

Have been doing the worst  part of teacher year-almost  3 weeks of training in shit I  already know and do with people that  irritate the  fuck out of me.  Have students Monday.

Had two slices of pizza at Jax's birthday party last night.  Not enough yeast to make me feel bad,  thankfully.  Planned on grilling for party but I didn't feel well yesterday.  Woke up  feeling better today.  Very nice to have my  diabetes under more control, but yesterday my bg went too low and I had a hand tremor.  Human bodies are weird!:)

Eggs and half a bagel for  breakfast  today, have my  snacks planned out.  Do you know a snickers bar has 250 calories?  I will  miss them!

Have been eating very much less but high glucose in blood preventing weight loss.  I may have to take insulin next time I  see my doctor.  Have been eating well but sometimes I forget to  have snack and then get too  hungry later.  Last night kensie made soup, tonight is Jaxon's birthday party and I am catering hotdogs and brats at a park playground for 30-40 people.  I kinda wish Annie would be less social...

I wish my brain was working better.  I play speed chess online to check my cognitive function everyday and my brain isn't working well.  Sometimes it's blood sugar and sometimes brain chemistry; I can't concentrate and I am being emotional, so probably not blood sugar.  Going to work with my  hands more for a few days and see if it helps.  Have been following diet and walking my  dog around the lake every day.  Hard on my  bad foot but very good for the dog-been going with Kensie and she  jogs while I walk.  Never been fond of smaller breeds but glad I  had the  wisdom to get a puppy small enough  that I could walk without fear of being knocked off my feet from my back damage:)  Getting certified to teach  theater and getting ready  to teach English-I actually know no grammar rules, I just write by ear and always have.  Will be hard on me not to get the higher level kids like I did in science and history--will have to go all freedom writers on their asses.  Made soup last night, chicken with  mushroom and rice.  It has been rainy  and cooler this week-very  nice change from 105 degree scorching.   

Had a bout of emotional  eating on Friday night and woke up feeling bad on Sunday.  Very quick and pointed feedback on eating well; have stuck  to my  eating plan since then, except I got busy  and missed a snack and my  blood sugar spiked.  The two hour interval keeps my liver from dumping sugar  into my bloodstream.  Actually nice to have a rational plan  of attack.  Last night  I made salmon.  Tonight Kensie is making omelets.

Ate well yesterday.  Began making the futon platform which  will replace our casual couch.  Got stressed last night but didn't stress eat.  Tonight I am making pork ribs for Tracy.

Spent yesterday focusing on when and what and being mindful of my feelings.  Excruciating.  Ate snacks from list at  2-3 hour intervals and had dinner at Annie's house.  Shaun made chicken fajitas, which were lovely.  Kid is a better cook than I am, which is monstrous:):):)

Woke up less dehydrated than lately; my liver wasn't processing extra blood glucose all night.

Have been reading addiction literature and focusing on my mindfulness.  Trying to keep focused on working on things at a rate which  doesn't hurt my back  too much.

Birthday cake?

I ate very  well yesterday: I am making a list  of snacks and then I  just plan  what my next snack  is  from the  list.  Skipped dinner last night and then had some hotdogs with  cheese wrapped in tortillas late.  Today is Dylan's 21st birthday. I am going to not have cake. Only just now decided that-

Up early this morning looking around for  Annie's missing puppy.  Will need a nap later.  Babysitting Jax from 1-5.

Life is pain Princess...anyone who tells you different is selling something...

Yesterday I  helped Dylan move out again; he lost his job last week but had committed to be roommates with an older woman with kids, so he is now living in a crappy apartment he can't afford instead of our front bedroom.  It broke my  heart when I  saw the  place; he can't hold down a job with bipolar meds(he is like a different person on meds) but he won't take them because he hates the way  they make him "feel."  I feel  a little emotionally flattened on my meds too, but I can't  function in my work and I am too volatile without them.  The problem with  my emotional eating is that I am buffeted by  my own emotions, which  are extreme and complicated but the meds and meditation work to chillax, but I am also part of a large nuclear family with reflections of my issues.

Realizing that Annie can't stop buying fast food even when  she is struggling to make ends meet was a big revelation for me; as well as knowing I don't get sufficient medical intervention for my  depression and mood swings.  Tracy is likely  to lose her job again, she is struggling greatly, and I hate her knowing that if she loses her job I lose my  medical insurance.  Trying to cut back on what  my psychiatrist prescribes has left me volatile(subject to  sudden rages) obsessive and dysfunctional all at the  same time.  Sometimes I  sit for 20 minutes in anticipation of taking a simple action, because I don't have the  emotional  reserves to  deal  with  the  pain standing up is going to  cause my  back and lately  my broken foot. I cry a lot, and late at night  I sometimes eat mindlessly.  Without the motivation of taking care of my students' daily  needs I struggle with  a lack of structure (addicts need structure) but I also need to  have the  downtime of playing video games and working on my  house as much  as my  back allows.  My quality of life needs to improve, my balance of opposing needs must  improve, my  focus on taking care of myself first needs to not slip away, my capacity to  cope with  physical pain must increase.

I have had significant pain for  part of everyday since I  was 22 or so, long before I  was fat and old. Lately for the first time I feel old. It turns out feeling old makes me notice being fat more. 

I like "do  the  work"- saying all this is good work for me to do, but feels shitty to have you read it.  I'm going to  be okay. 

The problem(a problem) with trying to live a spiritual life instead of one of concrete accomplishment is occasionally getting lost because the goal is more ephemeral.:):):)   I need to let  this blog be a series of signposts for the food issue parts of my  mess.   I have been afraid of what I'll be addicted to  next instead of optimistic I  can maintain non-self-destructive behavior.

Yesterday I had a healthy assortment of 100-200 calorie snacks every two hours and then  got upset and had brownies and hotdogs and corn chips with  queso.  I am a bad man and I  should feel bad would be my first  emotional response but instead I am just  going to try  to  be healthier today!

Yesterday I lifted weights, walked my dog.  I had a snack every couple of hours and had a large meal last night at Picante's , my  favorite mom and pop Mexican joint in town.  I had a chicken burrito, rice and beans, and lots of corn chips.  Too much salt-felt yucky  when I woke up today.

Had a healthier dinner planned but spent an hour and a half cleaning my hot kitchen and just said to  hell  with  it.

My biggest problem is  being a neatnik control freak  living with 5 dogs and some 4 slobs.

Today I had a handful of corn chips with some cold refried beans for breakfast, then I had some yogurt a few hours later. In the afternoon I had turkey salami and cheddar cheese. I made chicken and rice with mushroom sauce for dinner and also green beans and sautéed carrots.

Tracy was ill or it would have been all six of us at dinner for the first  time in weeks.

Today I  walked my border collie puppy and coped with 107 degree heat in afternoon.  Hard to stay hydrated. 

I ate very well till today when I was tempted by cheese and corn chips with jalepenos on top. Yummy.

Yesterday I fasted all day and drank quarts of water, then had vegetable soup for dinner last night. Woke up feeling much better. Today I had an egg and cheese burrito for breakfast and peanut butter on gluten free cardboard for lunch. Dinner will be salmon and fried potatoes with broccoli.

Today I had a yogurt, French fries for lunch, and cheese quesadillas y frijoles for dinner. I think I will fast tomorrow.

Eggs and a tortilla for breakfast, skipped lunch, and pizza for dinner.

Had a very healthy weekend diet-today I had yogurt for breakfast, a salad for lunch, and a chicken sandwich with mushrooms for dinner.

Breakfast and lunch has been healthy, but dinner has been out of control stress eating. Tomorrow will be better.

Today I ate very well right until Annie brought home chips and seven layer dip. I had a breakfast yogurt, apple for lunch, and dinner with Tracy at a mexican place where I had fajita chicken.

Today I skipped breakfast, had two slices of pizza at a meeting, and had nachos for dinner.  My right foot feels broken, and I eat too much when in pain. Working on meditation and calm.

Had chicken for lunch and chicken dumpling soup for dinner, then shared some chicken strips takeout with kids. Had some fries too. Very long day.

Had yogurt for breakfast, skipped lunch, and just back from dinner with my friend Connie. I had a chicken burrito, beans, and rice. She once again complained about the last guy who dumped her, but she is an excellent writer and a fellow teacher and grad student. The food had very large portions.

Had a very very bad weekend for dietary discipline. Had three meetings today that all sucked. Yogurt breakfast, lunch from grocery deli, chicken mashed potatoes. Turkey meatloaf for dinner. Haven't seen a green vegetable since Saturday.

Yogurt breakfast, chicken and salad lunch, dinner was enchilada casserole and beans.

Skipped breakfast again. High stress morning helping Dylan and Connor avoid freezing cold.  Breaded chicken for lunch, cheese enchiladas and frijoles, rice for dinner.

This morning I had half a bagel. At lunch sharp cheddar cheese on nearly tasteless gluten free crackers with a diet dr pepper, and dinner was roast chicken and salad. Not as difficult to eat healthy because still kind of sick and always tired and coughing. Very very cold today-never got above freezing.

Yesterday I had a series of healthy snacks and then bean and chicken burritos and salad for dinner. Good day, but feel stressed and overwhelmed about my college classes beginning this week. Not sure I have as much job satisfaction teaching history.

This morning had yogurt with my  morning pot of coffee and for lunch had homemade pizza Connor made last night.  Last night I had crackers and diet sprite-stomach bug going around school but feel much better today.  Making rice casserole for dinner-veggies and chicken.  Annie's at college orientation, and the veggie kind is a favorite of hers.

Evil donut in office
Weak-willed idiot
Succumbs.
Yogurt lunch fails
To restore self-esteem.
Sadness and salad for dinner-

Last night after work I was exhausted; I took a nap till dinner.  Kensie made hotdogs, green beans, salad and french fries. This morning I had a slice of the schools' pizza (only good breakfast they have-we are a poor kids school so they get free breakfast) and for lunch I am having a ham and cheese sandwich and carrot sticks.  Too much  bread in too few days-have never been able to completely give it up but have been more sparing than this or I feel yucky.

Lost 15 lbs during pneumonia.

Had a pint of milk for breakfast.  Breaded fried chicken for lunch. Lifting weights after school today but will be light workout because my lungs are still yucky from pneumonia.  Not sure what dinner is tonight.