Last night we had pancakes for dinner because they're one of annie's favorite foods and her diet(and mine because I've agreed to be her partner in change and it will be great for me too) is going to have to radically change. New round of food allergies testing reveals annie is massively allergic to: wheat, rice, barley, soy, cocoa, corn,baker's and brewer's yeast, and to a lesser degree legumes and various others.

Nurse said she can eat all the meat she wants-would be fine if she ate meat!:) After I got the diabetes news I started eating poultry again because grains were blowing my blood sugar--actually they blow it enough that it's likely annie got the grain allergies from me--and I needed more diabetes neutral food choices. But for me, I feel strongly that people shouldn't eat fellow mammals because it's gross and unhealthy to eat your cousins but given my wife's marriage long refusal to join me in ovo lacto vegetarianism and my not really having a problem with eating birds and fish it wasn't hard for me to make changes. (but after the terror of the possible blindness, kidney damage needing dialysis, and foot amputations side effects of uncontrolled diabetes wore off I was back on a bread and sandwich lifestyle--just with meat sandwiches too-boy I suck!--it can be hard to love a self-destructive person--I'm lucky people are so patient with me) Annie, on the other hand, eats fish reluctantly and occasionally because I insisted(she hates beans and was getting bruises when breathed on and began to pale even further than usual) and like any normal teenage girl would like to live on pizza. No wheat is going to be really hard on her and no rice or soy is going to be a pain in the ass on her live in cook(moi)!:)

On the other hand, I'll do things for my monsters that I would never do for myself, so diet changes they are a comin':)( accelerating actually...)

After weeks of avoiding all foods she's allergic to we can add in a few in a controlled rotation, but annie tends to be an all or nothing gray areas are for wooses idiot like her father, so will take unaccustomed discipline for her--I think a food blog like this one might be good for her.

9am-potato chips once again tempt me to eat both more than i planned and food that wasn't healthy-need to get the kids used to the idea that they can't have junk food because their father lacks the capacity to resist salty snacks. They're sure to be supportive(yeah right!):) two handfuls chips and three turkey salami and cheese sandwiches.

6:30 am -coffee and yogurt.

Gosh I went a huge time without posting-last several days I've been avoiding the computer and as much tech as I could. Turned 44, searched soul, etc. Had fun xmas and birthday and today have been enjoying time with Annie, who is 15 today! Yeah! Have been eating sweets and huge portions and for the most part been very okay with it. Tomorrow will be mindful, controlled and health-oriented-assuming I live through one last day of wretched excess!:) Life is about contrasts-now I'm going to contrast how Annie's cake tastes with or without ice cream(or at least shortly!):):):)

Yesterday i crossed the line from I think I'm getting a sinus infection to being very freaking sick-going to the walk in clinic when it opens at noon. I hate how compromised my immune system is from the diabetes-I used to be able to get better on green tea. My initial blood glucose reading yesterday was 400(normal people would wake up at 80-120) and scared the crap out of me. People pass out and go into ketoacidosis comas at less than 400. Blood sugar shoots up when you're sick and fighting off an infection-the science of starve a cold! Yesterday had green tea and a little brown rice w broccoli, this morning bg was 330. Off to the doc!

Had my lovely salad with fresh spinach leaves and fresh shrooms and lots of red onion; also had about a cup of soup. Meant to not eat tonight but got tempted by some potato chips at 5 and then had a sandwich to go with the chips. Chips are evil things that should cause the frito o lay company to atone for all the fat people with high blood pressure by some kind of community service--they even say themselves that "you can't eat just one" Exactly why drug dealers give you the first taste for free!:):):)

Yesterday was a wasted day in terms of any accomplishment--day before had some serious reliefs of stress so maybe just areaction to veg out. Had several sandwiches about noon(2peanut butter, 1 tuna) and a brownie. Last night I had two bean burritos about 6. All the rest of the day kinda fogged-watched some tv and relaxed with dogs. Found out T's union benefits aren't going to be gutted next year after all--announcement from arbitration with att delayed three weeks. Big increases in healthcare costs for 2010 but next year status quo--good thing because Annie needs operation on her sinuses in the spring after basketball.

Need to find a way to deal with stress that doesn't involve food at all-used to take long walks and play basketball--not possible now!:) Definite link to the buzzed feeling that comes from blowing my blood sugar and the buzzed feeling I used to get from drinking lots--maybe a small heroin habit? Hmmmm....

Noticed last week that some times I say things to Tracy I need to be saying in a 12 step meeting-shit she doesn't need to be worrying about that is my problem to deal with--she got prescribed muscle relaxants for back pain and I mentioned to her on the way to Kensie's orchestra concert that the night before I had to fight off the urge to pop a few recreationally. I must go to meetings--I can't go to meetings--have to resolve this even if I have to move to a place whre there are enough buddhist addicts to have aa meetings. There are days when my head is clear that I just tell myself to grow the fuck up, but then I usually eat sandwiches till the voice goes away!:)

Just coffee and a really restless soul so far today. Planning a really nice salad for todays meal with multigrain bread and diet coke. need to get some beans on the stove!

Had to fast until my afternoon doctor visit-then had two bowls of corn flakes, two bean burritos, and a small brownie in a rapid fire kind of way. Doctor visit went okay except for blood pressure-for someone who truly believes in a holistic approach I take a shit-load of drugs, but I'm in a place where getting back to nature without keeling over needs some help!:) This food log is helping lots, but I need to listen to my body and eat once a day. Not recommended for diabetics and not a great idea for most people to start and stop their metabolism, but my body has been telling me to eat one meal a day for a while and doing what the dietitians say hasn't been working for me anyway, so I guess I'll take this next month till I see the doc again to see how I do listening to my body and not the experts. Generally my instincts are excellent-except for addictions!:)

Gosh! It's cold today but at least I'm not dealing with any freaking snow!:) For lunch I had part of a tuna salad sandwich and some fruit salad. This afternoon I had some chocolate xmas bells with my coffee. Tomorrow I see my doctor for annual visit-I'm gonna get scolded. Sigh...

When Tracy is off work I hang out with her and neglect to post-need to work on that! Had a lot of cheese over the weekend and I get my blood checked for cholesterol tomorrow-so I'm an idiot! Big surprise. Not feeling well the last few days-think I have a sinus infection. So far coffee, lovely coffee, need an iv of coffee...

Fasted yesterday and feel much better today; am going to avoid salt more I think!:) Had a lovely blueberry scone with morning coffee today. Lots of projects around house to help avoid boredom! Yeah!:)

Last night I spaced logging dinner--but all changes have a learning curve! I had a piece of leftover veggie lasagna at 5, then made a country breakfast for dinner about 8. Had 3 eggs, 2 pancakes, and lots of fried potatoes with red onion and some picante sauce on top-very yummy but bad for cholesterol:)

So far I've had just coffee today-been driving kids and feeding dogs. Just driving, dogs, and cooking and cleaning adds up to almost 6 hrs a day--wish I'd known I was going to always be the "mom" role when we deciding how many kids to have!:) Guys need time to watch football and veg out--it was wired into us during the thousands of years of hunting gathering when the women did most everything except the fun stuff like hunting. In the yoruba tribe in africa men fought wars and grew the yams, and that's bout it!:) (of course men had many wives to split the other stuff up)

Talked to Cheryl last week about my reluctance to lose weight--really don't want to conform to what I "should" do and definitely don't want people telling how much better I look, etc when I deny them the right to have ever judged at all so vehemently, but biggest issue might be that I've grown accustomed to always being the outsider and always being "different" and I have a lot of myslf esteem invested in being able to be an "oppressed minority" and doing what I want anyway--weight and self image issues wind up being really complicated. Think I'm done saying "fuck you" to my dead parents, but then saying fuck you to "society" is obne of my all time biggest things. I wish I had more vanity sometimes--the buddhist outlook is to adapt and be happy with what IS--makes addiction therapy and certain self-help thoughts counter-intuitive. Think for the first time I'm really interested in losing weight for myself-to have more fun, play tennis, maybe ride a bike. (at least till my degenerating spine finishes crippling me!:)--but that will take a lot longer if I weigh less!

Mantra=Less weight =Less pain!

Had lunch with Annie. She's getting a 31 in geometry and if she doesn't raise it up she'll get thrown off the basketball team, but she's trying to keep positive and doing her best. She had a third of my slice of cheese pizza and I had about 1/4 of her cheese and broccoli baked sandwich.

Gosh! I finished my finals and while I didn't sleep well I'm done without being destroyed like I was last year.(but then Halloween of last year was maybe the most depressed I've ever been and it took a while to recover). The cocktail of things the doc has me on really is helping lots-starting to really feel I might live long enough to need to fix my bod! So now that I can focus will use the xmas break to change habits-I want to post after all food and if I don't want t0 take the time to log on then I just want to eat that bad!:) Just finished my jazz history final online-just lots of coffee and a dish of strawberry yogurt so far today. Now I can fix my checkbook and clean my room and I'll feel almost calm! After it warms up going to treat myself with walk in the park with Pippin my black lab. (the other two dogs will be SO jealous...):)

Yesterday was the "dead day" before finals-ran around all day and had fast food again-need to make a firm rule to not eat fastfood. Had soup for dinner with crackers and cheese-a nice vegetable with rice and lots of celery-ish broth.

So far today had 4 cups coffee while I write and a strawberry yogurt. Going to campus to turn in french revolution paper! Yeah-ding dong the witch might as well be dead...:)I'm sure she's very nice in her private life, but as a teacher (new chorus..ding dong...):)

My friend hasn't yet sent me a weekly scope so I haven't had one of my ritual moments of self-discovery this week, but she has to take the time to write her blog and has a busy life so I love her still--for now!:)

Last night connor offered to make french bread pizza dinner with kensie so I could write. HAd one large chunk of cheesy bready carby tomato-ee melted yummyness. Yesterday in the afternoon I grabbed a couple taco bell bean burritos while running around chaffeuring and erranding.

NOT drinking enough water. Up at 5:30 today to run Connor to work and very dehydrated. LOts of icky stomach acid feelings from eating less making my morning coffee less pure addiction filling joyfulness-might need to switch to tea for a while.

This morning I had 3 fried eggs and a bagel. NEEd to write lots today and starting to feel deadline pressures for finals. HAve to drive to levelland to get a book I need and see cheryl today-need to make an easy dinner tonight. PRobably spaghetti. HAnd isn't yet shaking-so I can get more coffee! YEAh!

YEsterday sons had fistfight and my wife through connor out. NOT sure where he is and worried. ATe 3 sandwiches, glass of milk and milkshake. DEfinite pattern of stress eating developing! (LIKE I DIDN:T know!:)) NEED TO fix this keyboard.. JUST Coffee this morning. Intend to fast today and clear some toxins from system. LOTs and lots of water-salad for dinner tonight.