Yesterday was a wasted day in terms of any accomplishment--day before had some serious reliefs of stress so maybe just areaction to veg out. Had several sandwiches about noon(2peanut butter, 1 tuna) and a brownie. Last night I had two bean burritos about 6. All the rest of the day kinda fogged-watched some tv and relaxed with dogs. Found out T's union benefits aren't going to be gutted next year after all--announcement from arbitration with att delayed three weeks. Big increases in healthcare costs for 2010 but next year status quo--good thing because Annie needs operation on her sinuses in the spring after basketball.

Need to find a way to deal with stress that doesn't involve food at all-used to take long walks and play basketball--not possible now!:) Definite link to the buzzed feeling that comes from blowing my blood sugar and the buzzed feeling I used to get from drinking lots--maybe a small heroin habit? Hmmmm....

Noticed last week that some times I say things to Tracy I need to be saying in a 12 step meeting-shit she doesn't need to be worrying about that is my problem to deal with--she got prescribed muscle relaxants for back pain and I mentioned to her on the way to Kensie's orchestra concert that the night before I had to fight off the urge to pop a few recreationally. I must go to meetings--I can't go to meetings--have to resolve this even if I have to move to a place whre there are enough buddhist addicts to have aa meetings. There are days when my head is clear that I just tell myself to grow the fuck up, but then I usually eat sandwiches till the voice goes away!:)

Just coffee and a really restless soul so far today. Planning a really nice salad for todays meal with multigrain bread and diet coke. need to get some beans on the stove!