Had a nice salad for dinner and an ice cream sandwich I should have passed on, but my blood meter broke and it'll be a couple days till the new gets here so it has a "we have a substitute" can of feel to it!:) Long freaking day-childish dread of observing in the high school tomorrow--kind of want to take a second chance to lead a successful revolution against the Man!

Just lost my temper at the vets office. But I didn't totally lose it(Kensie said I looked like I wanted to strangle the woman) and I didn't eat coming down off the rage attack! Yeah for me!

Coffee and yogurt. Will try to blog after each food experience today and increase my mindfulness. Missed my 10 am class due to vet experience, but teacher cool. Will have to have 1 on 1 meeting to make it up.

Had a chicken sandwich for breakfast-have cut way back on bread consumption but still lack the capacity to refuse fresh warm french bread-need to increase my self-discipline lots. Coffee, otherwise. Annie took my last yogurt!

Had s stressful week and feel a little fried. Last night I made a baked ziti with 3 cheeses, mushrooms and yellow squash. Used Newman's sauce since I didn't have time to make from scratch. Very delicious and broke down and had two plates.

Tonight I think we'll have sandwiches and salad; lots to do this weekend.

Connor moved out last night to an old house near Tech that one of his oldest friend's father owns. It was thought he'd wait till the end of the month but he and his friends were anxious to get started on life in their own place. I"m supportive and think it will be good for him but I cried on the way home. Life is so short, and I spent so much of his childhood suicidal and irritable!

Ce la vie! Typical morning, coffee and yogurt. Spoke with my shrink about joining a support group at TECh; big step for me that I"ve been sneaking up on for a long time. Emotional couple days, but I Successfully kicked myself in the balls, so good for me!:)

VEggie chili for dinner tonight. CHEese and bell pepper enchiladas w queso last night.

Had an early test that I kicked ass on so I rewarded myself with eggs, biscuits and hashbrowns from a little local bistro w good coffee. Trying to decide whether I would have consoled myself with same if I bombed test... probably would have...sigh...

THe prboblem with addiction is simple-I cannot be sated. THere is never too much alcohol, sex, food, whatever, my brain doesn't work that way, so I HAVE TO have outside rules to control when to stop(drinking is easier because I just have to not start again). THere is some interesting work being done on the brain chemical/electrical systems of addicts. The problem is that being an addict is walking a line-I have to be responsible for my behavior, I have to acknowledge my behavior is harder to manage then people who lack addiction issues(otherwise it's too common to develop self-loathing), but I have to acknowledge that my behavior CAN ANd MUST be managed and not use addiction as an excuse for inaction, and (this is the part I suck at) I have to be able to believe that I cannot, cognitively, behaviorally, internally, modify all my behavior with out outside help. It is a pattern that can't be broken just because I'm brilliant and strong and resourceful.

For myself, I have to be able to relinquish control. My shrink says that because needing to eat is so basic and my parents didn't always feed me when I was little, that my need for control and not to count on anyone is immense, and of course food is fucked up for me in many convoluted ways.

MOst alcoholics have to reach bottom and have their life become unmanageable in concrete and unmistakable ways before they will accept they HAVE to change their behavior. SOmething, fear, necessity,hunger, something basic, has to become stronger than the urge to overload the pleasure center some more. I think the hardest thing TRacy and I have to overcome as a couple is that I can love someone and still not protect them from the consequences of their choices, because I know that in the long run it isn't in their best interest that I protect them. Calling the cops on Dylan and having him thrown in jail, for instance, was both difficult but compassionate in a global parenting sense. Pretty sure sometime I'm going to have to kick him in the balls to get his attention and then put him in the street as a follow up in order to love the irritating little bastard the best I can...

Have to now kick myself in the balls and....

Hadn't felt like posting but have been reading. RIght at some major stress points and need do take time tonight to write lots. Off to school now. Coffee and a little valentine chocolate this morning.

Wound up having pizza last night instead of salad (actually had pizza with salad but not enough to say had salad with pizza):)

Today have russian test, tutoring, and lecture tonight on diversity in the classroom. Will try to add veggie snacks to truly huge amounts of coffee!

Change sucks!:)  I'm trying to eat well, and doing so, and then kerplooie!  YEsterday was definitely a "Slip" day-but today is a new chance to make the changes I REALLY DO want-so must let it go and focus on the now!  Today I'm having a veggie snack every couple hours till dinner-which will be salad. Probably not something I could realistically do everyday but I have to  get my bg down or take insulin-have 5 weeks to improve my aic dramatically!  (aic is a blood test that rats out diabetics to their doctor by measuring the amount of glucose averaged via science big brother-ness) YEsterday could have used my blood for the yummy whole wheat pancakes I made everybody else for dinner to go with their fried potatos and eggs!

Yesterday was one long depression flashback. Spent half the day writing suicide notes in my head while knowing it wasn't real and trying to reboot my brain. Very icky! Felt better about 9pm but by then had eaten a lot of comfort carbs that threw my diabetes into overdrive-today will be about healthy choices and a visit to my psychiatrist-some people who have had long term double depression respond well to electro-shock...hmmm...might rather just die a pathetic death...:)(definitely just kidding but a "a beautiful mind" was disturbing to my not sane self! If I can disengage food from my emotions I will win both battles I think!

Coffee is all till my blood sugar drops lots.

Took a day trip to palo duro canyon with t and girls. Had some sandwiches and the bread made me feel yucky. Have to rethink quick picnic food! Got home kind of late. Looking forward to sleeping late tomorrow.

Woke up this morning feeling bad from the salty Mexican food I made for dinner last night but giggling because our standard poodle was licking my face and nibbling my beard. Standard coffee and yogurt breakfast. Need to write down a few dietary rules when I have more time this weekend! Probably not as long lasting as the ones in the Koran or Torah.

Had an apple for lunch; jonesing for more salt but manfully resisting. My back hurts less when I'm all salt swollen and waterlogged. Pain is my friend in this situation.

Recovered from salty suberbowl snacks ok. Coffee and yogurt, and a simple salad planned for tonight. Need to drink extra water today so brought big bottle to campus.

Just ate myself sick with superbowl party food and it's not yet halftime. I'm starting to realize, really realize down to the marrow of my bones, that I'm an idiot.

Have lost 20 pounds since we started these blogs-would be more excited if the % wasn't so measly on me!:) Last few days the internet at home has been down-switched to att uverse and had some hassles. Might need to help my mother-in-law buy a gun-feels like it would if someone asked me to do any other immoral thing. Wants a gun for personal protection. Will probably eventually blow her brains out with it.