Had an early test that I kicked ass on so I rewarded myself with eggs, biscuits and hashbrowns from a little local bistro w good coffee. Trying to decide whether I would have consoled myself with same if I bombed test... probably would have...sigh...

THe prboblem with addiction is simple-I cannot be sated. THere is never too much alcohol, sex, food, whatever, my brain doesn't work that way, so I HAVE TO have outside rules to control when to stop(drinking is easier because I just have to not start again). THere is some interesting work being done on the brain chemical/electrical systems of addicts. The problem is that being an addict is walking a line-I have to be responsible for my behavior, I have to acknowledge my behavior is harder to manage then people who lack addiction issues(otherwise it's too common to develop self-loathing), but I have to acknowledge that my behavior CAN ANd MUST be managed and not use addiction as an excuse for inaction, and (this is the part I suck at) I have to be able to believe that I cannot, cognitively, behaviorally, internally, modify all my behavior with out outside help. It is a pattern that can't be broken just because I'm brilliant and strong and resourceful.

For myself, I have to be able to relinquish control. My shrink says that because needing to eat is so basic and my parents didn't always feed me when I was little, that my need for control and not to count on anyone is immense, and of course food is fucked up for me in many convoluted ways.

MOst alcoholics have to reach bottom and have their life become unmanageable in concrete and unmistakable ways before they will accept they HAVE to change their behavior. SOmething, fear, necessity,hunger, something basic, has to become stronger than the urge to overload the pleasure center some more. I think the hardest thing TRacy and I have to overcome as a couple is that I can love someone and still not protect them from the consequences of their choices, because I know that in the long run it isn't in their best interest that I protect them. Calling the cops on Dylan and having him thrown in jail, for instance, was both difficult but compassionate in a global parenting sense. Pretty sure sometime I'm going to have to kick him in the balls to get his attention and then put him in the street as a follow up in order to love the irritating little bastard the best I can...

Have to now kick myself in the balls and....